Fear of the Unkown

The more I gain experience in rock climbing the more it serves as a metafor for the challanges of life. I was out climbing yesterday and the rain forced us to climb at a wall I handn't been on before because it was one of the few dry walls. We only did a couple of climbs, but thinking back to it now, the lesson I learned from it is how the fear of the unkown plays into a situation that should otherwise be comfortable.

You see, all winter, I train to climb better. For the grades that we were climbing yesterday, I was more than skilled enough, more than strong enough. Even now, when I think back to the climbs, I remember the moves as being easy. However, that wasn't the case when I was in the middle of the climbs. There were several spots where I wasn't sure what to do, and had to work through it, with a significant amount of fear nagging at me. It wasn't that the moves were necessarily hard, it was what came after the move was made.

When you're in the middle of a climb, quite often you can't see more than a move or two ahead of where you are. If you haven't been on the climb before, the stuff you can't see is pure unknown. If you work through what you can see, there is no comfort that the next series of moves are going to unfold. That reality changes the way the climb is approached. You're timid, you're fearful and it causes hesitation.

Isn't real life the same way? The next step past the one we're taking is never guaranteed. I think that causes the same timidness, the same fearfulness and the same hesitation that I experienced yesterday. Wouldn't it be great to know excactly what lies ahead? We wouldn't have to waste time with fear and hesitation. We could just forge forward with an unending confidence that our actions would breed success. But, alas, life is not like that, we have to deal with the unknown.

I think there is a way to deal with this, if we just stop to realize what we're scared of. If I think back to the climb, the fear was of failing. There would have been some consequences to that. A few scrapes maybe, perhaps a bruise, but most likely nothing more. I don't think that was the fear though. The fear was purely of failure, period. But, what's wrong with failure?

I've been hesitating getting on harder routes for the same reason, but I've started to break down that barrier. I've started to understand that failure is a teacher. You can fail, and then learn from it. If you look at failure that way, it's an increadibly powerful tool because you can take what you learn and, get this, 'try again'. Now, and this is out there, if you try again, and use what you leared to succeed, did you still fail?

For me, the answer is NO. Failure no longer exists. It's just part of the process. This is still kind of new to me, but as far as the climbing goes, I'm learning that if I can embrace failure as part of the process of learning, I feel more comfortable getting on a climb that is at or above my limit. If I can keep doing that, I can realize success on these climbs, which will move my limit. Failure is an invaluable part of that process. Limits aren't exceeded without failure.

Now, if I could take that out of climbing and apply it everyday, what would that look like??

In the Moment

I know one thing I have trouble with is staying in the moment. You know, just being there and enjoying. Not thinking about what's going on at work, where you need to be in a couple of hours, is there enough money in the bank account, what am I forgetting to do, and the list could go on for ever. I'm finding lately that this inability to be in the moment is causing time to pass really fast. It seems lately that the 5th day of a month comes up, and the month might as well be over.

I sometimes think this may be a phase of life. There's work and a young family with kids that are 4 and 1. By the time I get home, have supper, play with the kids a bit (not nearly enough), go through the kids bed time routine, and take care of whatever tasks need doing, there hardly seems to be a half hour of down time before bed, and then it starts all over again.

That's a lame excuse though. To pass it off as a phase of life, without trying to do anything about it, could wind up with 10, 15 maybe 20 years gone without taking the time to enjoy it. That would suck.

I am trying to do something about it. I don't think I take work as seriously as I did a year ago, which has caused me to be under a lot less stress. I guess I also like what I'm doing more, so that also goes to less stress. There's still a hectic schedule to deal with between work and home, but maybe it's not as bad as I think sometimes.

As I think about it, there are things I've noticed that put me in the moment, so that the thoughts produced by the world moving at Mach 10 aren't there. I've been regularly getting up at 5 am to work out, whether it's weights, running, or biking. Initially I figured it was the only time I had to do what it takes to stay fit. However, it's become more than that. It's become some of my 'in the moment' time. Time where my mind stays blank. It also changes the layout of the day. I don't get up to go to work anymore. I wake up to work out. It's an awesome feeling after a run by the Bow River in Calgary to sit in front of the downtown YMCA and stretch. It's like I've started the day on my terms, and I can then make the choice to stand up and go to work. It's hard to explain, but it makes all the difference.

Of course, my favourite 'hobby', climbing, puts me in the moment, especially bouldering. Just working out the puzzle of a bouldering problem with your body, getting on and exerting maximum effort, figuring out subtle differences in the way to approach a climb, all seems to focus my mind as if meditating. Although it may not keep the mind as quiet as meditating, it locks out distractions, and directs focus. Especially when your on a climb and facing a move you are unsure you can do. At that time, there is nothing else, it's just you and the moment.

Then there's my favourite thing that stops the noise, which I was kind of surprised by, but really, I shouldn't have been. When I get home and see Sydney and Seth, it seems the 'noise' just melts away. When there is a chance to sit on the floor with them and watch them play,it just removes all that 'stuff' that isn't important. My absolute favourite is watching them learn. I could sit there all day and just watch. There is no time, obligations, or anything else that is more important. Everything else just stops.

Seems obvious, but I hadn't expected it. Not sure why, seems obvious. Regardless though, what a great surprise.

And isn't it funny, that the young family that helps to make things so fast paced and hectic, is also the very thing that can take you out of that and put you in the moment.

Proud of Mellisa Hollingsworth

I watched Mellisa Hollingsworth give an interview after she made a mistake in her skeleton race which took what looked like a silver medal and sent her to 5th place. She was crying, and when asked how she felt, she responded that she felt that she let down a whole nation.

I can't express how much I felt for her, but the feeling quickly turned to anger against the kind of pressure that could make her think she failed her nation. I'm all for being proud of our athletes and love cheering them on and hope they win. Hell, I even swear and curse then they make a mistake and lose a medal, like I did when I saw Mellisa's mistake in her last run. But let's be honest, I'm a schmuck in an armchair, with no right to even have a negative thought about her performance.

I know I'm a schmuck in an armchair because I've had the fortunate opportunity to experience athletic competition in many sports (nothing near olympic caliber of course). The thing about sports is that everyone can't win. So that begs the question of why should anyone be encouraged to enter into competitive sports to begin with, whether it's in school, a local club, or wherever that competition is available.

I believe (cheesy olympic theme plug) that reason is failure. That's right. The thrill of winning is the reward, and it's a great reward. But every reward has a risk. The risk to not winning is losing. And losing in an athletic competion teaches us that failing is OK. That we'll wake up tomorrow and life will go on, that we'll be happy again, and we'll even begin to think about winning again.

It is absolutely vital that we teach our children that failing is OK. If we don't, they'll be afraid to try, and failure to try guarantees zero progress is ever made. Acceptance of the possibility of failure is what pushes us forward.

So, I'm proud of Melissa. I'm proud because she went after the biggest reward available to her, and the risk of failure that comes with it. As an Olympic athlete, she is a role model for us and our children. Her failure shows us all that we are a nation that is not afraid to try. Trying is what will move us forward as a nation.

Way to go Mellisa. I'm proud of you.

GAS

Admittedly, until now, the point of this blog has been to drown my sorrows. Maybe that's not obvious, but realize that I've only written when I've had some sort of posative revalation in my recent experiences. There have been downs to that roller coaster, but it seems that at the down points there is no real inspiration to write anything. At the same time, when the roller coaster is level and things are good, there's not a whole lot of inspiration either. I think the inspiration probably comes at a peak and when things are just level, the peaks aren't there, and as a result there is no noticable inspiration.

No matter really, no one follows this. But incase anyone does, there is more that goes on in the world besides me (surprise!!), and now that things are more level, I'ld like to point some of them out. I follow the blog of one of Canada's best climbers, Sonnie Trotter, and he has brought up issues regarding a ski resort development near Squamish. It seems, from what I've read, that there is a particular risk to a river that flows out of the basin which the development is supposed to be built in. It has been denied since 1997, but it seems there is some danger of the development being approved.

In general, I'm against this, although I don't know a lot about the area. However, it seem to me that Alberta ski hills are seeing less people and tourism is down in general, so how can an $8 billion development be a good idea? Not to mention the issues with the local environment.

In case anyone reads this, the link to Sonnie's blog where I first heard of this is, www.sonnietrotter.com. Although I don't know a lot about the specifics of the development it sparked some general thoughts on the matter which I posted as a comment on Sonnie's blog. They follow:

I’ve heard a lot of instances of a new ‘buzz word’, namely, SUSTAINABLE development. This usually conflicts with the main driver for development which is the ECONOMICS of the project. In other words, if you’re going to spend the money, you’d better be getting more back in return. In the article above, it mentions total construction costs of 8 billion dollars. That’s a lot of money to spend in order to get more back!!

Let’s just put this into perspective for a moment, with a dumb unrelated example. The average city interchange/overpass (in Calgary at least) costs between $25 million and $40 million. Even if you used $50 million per interchange, this would build 160 interchanges for $8 billion. This is a big development.

Now, let’s look at SUSTAINABLE deveopment and ECONOMICS. For the SUSTAINABILITY, how about portioning out a shwack of money for water treatment. Contour your golf courses to run off into a holding pond(s). Treat the water. Truck in water which is excess from what you can safely take from the water shed. I’m not necessarily saying I know what the answer is, but, whatever solutions are required protect the stream, DO IT. The point is, the deveopment causes problems with the local environment, figure out what they are and solve them above and beyond what is figured as ‘acceptable’. This is the sustainability bit.

For the ECONOMICS bit, if the budget was $500 million for water conservation, this would represent only 6.25% of the project cost. Even if this money wasn’t budgeted in the original $8 billion, if your project can’t handle the extra 6.25% to properly protect the environment, maybe it shouldn’t fit the criteria of an ECONOMIC development. These criteria lie with the governing bodies of the area, wich ‘represent’ the people. It’s not you’re government, it’s you.

Perhaps there are stages to the project where the water conservation budget would kill the project out right? Well, two things here:

1. Great
2. Find a way to stage the water conservation with the project to make the whole thing economic.

What I figure is that as long as the world population continues to grow, development cannot be stopped. However, the main driver for development is economics, and the inputs into the equation for favorable economics can be changed, or even legislated. The legislation is the responsiblity of the people acting through their Government. Now, the thing is, the companies taking on these project have a lot to gain, they’re sure of that, else they wouldn’t be risking their own money or their investors (remember $8 billion). They know the weaknesses of their arguements, and they go to great lengths to hide them. I know this, as I’ve worked for one, and participated on dollar scales far less than here. Those on the other side, wishing to protect what needs to be protected, must use their own resources and time, with no compensation save for sleeping well at night. Who do you figure puts up the better arguement?

You can’t necessarily take away the right to develop, but you can define the rules, and maybe it’s time the rules change. There is a saying that the voice of the minority is always stronger. Maybe it’s time the voice of the majority be heard?

Just saying, ya know.

Serendipity

The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident

I looked this up tonight. I've heard the word before, mostly because it was the title of a movie back in 2001 (which I would have quoted as the 80's without the help of Google). I never really thought much about the word until I was talking with the career councillor that was paid for by my last employer after getting let go. We were working on my resume and starting to talk about what my career path was. I kind of cut her off and told her that I've never actually had any direction in life, and seem to keep stumbling into things that have ended up going well for me. Right after that I began to say that perhaps I should give a career path and future plans some thought when she smiled and uttered the work 'serendipity'. She indicated that that's the word by which I had led my life, but I never really new what it meant.

What she did say, is that it's OK to approach life like that and that it works for some people. I left that meeting that day feeling proud of myself that I've stumbled through life and have ended up with more than I ever thought I'ld have. A good career, a beautiful loving wife, two beautiful kids with great personalities, a great house, climbing, windsurfing, snowboarding, and the list goes on.

But I have to say, recently I've gotten schooled.

I put a question out there, and as a result I've seen an answer. The topic was related to what I want to do with my career, and the answer was clear as day. Now, the thing is, I've been worried, because now that I've seen this path, I don't want to get stuck in the same grind and end up ultimately failing at what I've seen to be the way. And, to fuel that fear, I'm back at a previous company and getting busy with work that is now streaching full time until April. I've been wondering how I'm ever going to break out of old habbits and have the courage to chase an uncertain path.

Now, here's where the unexpected happened. A management job posting came up. Manager of Mechanical Engineering, or some such title. I've always held a management position as a possibility in the back of my mind. And when I heard of it, and that the preference was to promote interally, I found the idea more than intriguing. On top of that I've had a co-worker tell me, in their opinion, I'm the only qualified person internally for this job.

This is the bit, where making fortunate discoveries by accident pops up to change the direction of my life, as it's done so many times in the past. AKA, Serendipity.

Only this time it's different. I intended to apply for the position, but the vision I had regarding the shape my career will take in the future kept nagging at me. It made me think. Then it reminded me of past experience, and my last job specifically. It reminded me that I really don't like administrative tasks. It reminded me that I'm beginning to realize some core values I have regarding my career.

I just want to build stuff and play with big equipment.

This realization has been great. I would have applied for that positon immediately in the past, and I almost did, but it would have been the wrong path. I know that for certain now. I have a mission statement, it's clear, and it's from the heart. And it helped me avoid a mistake.

The only problem is, I still believe in serendipity, but now I believe in a plan too. And how do I embrace both?

Answers

The thing about real answers is that they are usually different from what you thought the real answer would be. I have the opportunity to really figure out what I want to do with my life, and after a bunch of fumbling about with different ideas that really weren't going anywhere, I finally just asked the question that I was afraid to ask. That fear of asking was a bit of a funny thing. I know now that it wasn't a fear of what the answer would be, but a fear that the answer would not reaveal itself.

Well, the thing about finally asking, is that it forces you to pay attention to what's going on around you. You see, the answer is always there, it just needs to be coaxed out from the noise that is so often life. The attention you've forced yourself to pay to things going on around you opens up a kind of awareness. It starts slow at first. Someone says something in passing that clicks with you as being important to your situation. It looks like a coincidence, for anyone who's read the Celestine Prophesy.

But these coincedences keep happening. They start snowballing until it seems everything and everybody knows just what you need to hear. Those wonderful coincidences . . .

But they are not coincidences!

It's the anwer that you were asking for. The answer that you always had, only you started listening.

It's the Brother in Law that casually says he's made everything he's done for fun into a job, which doesn't bring the same enjoyment. It's a wife that is learning that ego should be shed. It's the fading jealousy of a co-worker who's managing the large projects you would like to manage, because he tells you he's happy he spent the weekend at work. It's the room that the lack of jealousy leaves, that allows you to realize that the detailed work your doing is fun. It's the inspiration while blankly looking at adds in a hocky rink of the path forward in doing something different.

It all leads to a confidence that there is a different way to use my talents. One that lets me walk in a different direction than the mob. The path is so clear that it even provides opportunity to fulfill goals over a longer term.

In a room full of infinite doors, the right door has opened. The only thing left is to walk through and there is no fear, because the next room has an infinite number of doors.

How could you go wrong?

The Waiting Game

Sometimes I find myself waiting for that moment that will change the direction my life is taking. The moment that brings the event that I'll look back on and say that's where everything started to go right. I'm not sure why I do this.

There are other moments when life is perfect and I couldn't possibly think of anything else I could possibly want, or anywhere else I would rather be. Those are the moments when I feel on top of my game, like nothing could go wrong. It's the memory of those moments that makes this 'waiting place' so much more frustrating.

I also think that the expectation that some 'moment' will just deliver an answer I've been waiting for is misguided. Nothing just gets delivered unless it's been asked for. It's the asking that gives the power to recognize the answer. I know that, but I am doing a poor job of putting into action that which I already know.

It seems the thing I'm getting hung up on is what to ask for. I just don't really know what it is that I want. Can I just ask for direction? I guess I could try. Here it goes.

Aside from family, what is most important to me? I would really like to know this. I don't want to continue down the same path indefinately with the feeling that I only have the career I have to fill space until I find out what it is I really want to do. What living can I carve out for myself and my family that isn't work?

There, it's out there. The answer will come.